When "No" Feels Like a Dirty Word: Navigating Boundaries with Family
If your family is anything like mine, you've probably spent the last few years trying to set boundaries with them, but to no avail. Many Asian American clients I've met over the years have shared with me that it felt impossible to set boundaries with their family, and setting boundaries felt like rejecting them. I've educated countless clients about the role of boundaries in every relationship and their function, yet many have shared that setting boundaries is often perceived as a punishment by their Asian families.
To have a lasting relationship, setting boundaries is a necessary protection, not only for yourself but also for the relationship itself. I learned this firsthand a while ago when my wife and I were both laid off. My mother, with well-intentioned but hurtful words, told us we were "playing around" and not taking our lives seriously. I respectfully stated my boundary, letting her know it wasn't okay for her to judge our circumstances and asking her to respect us as adults. I also made sure to tell her that I loved her. Oh, how badly she reacted. She told me I was immature and childish to only think about myself while she was aging. I didn't even bother to reply and didn't speak to my mother for 10 months.
Through that experience, my mother, who used to say things very carelessly, learned that her words had consequences for the first time. No one had ever stood up to her or called her out on her careless words before. At the end of last year, after my father's cancer diagnosis, I started talking to my mother again — and she had changed her tune completely. She said she trusted me and my wife with our life decisions and that she was proud of us. During those 10 months, when I chose not to speak with my mother to give myself a break, I felt a tremendous amount of shame for not taking care of my aging parents. Like she said, I felt selfish and childish to set boundaries with my family. At least, that's the message that I and many of my Asian American clients have lived with. Through that experience, both my mother and I learned that even a family relationship is a fragile thing that needs to be protected with careful boundaries.
This post is for you if you're navigating the delicate dance of setting boundaries with family members who genuinely don't understand what boundaries are. We'll explore what they are, why they can be so hard, and practical steps to set them gently but firmly.
Setting Healthy Boundaries with Family (Even When They Don't "Get It")
Have you ever felt a knot in your stomach when a family member asks an intrusive question, drops by unannounced, or gives unsolicited advice about your life choices? You love your family, deeply. Yet, sometimes, that love can feel complicated when your personal space, time, or emotional well-being feels continuously invaded.
It's a struggle many of us face, but it can be especially challenging within families where the concept of boundaries might be foreign, misunderstood, or even seen as a rejection. You’re not alone if you’ve felt guilty or selfish for even thinking about setting limits with loved ones.
But here’s the truth: boundaries aren't about cutting people off or being selfish. They're about self-respect, self-care, and actually building healthier, more sustainable relationships. When you establish clear boundaries, you're creating a roadmap for how others can interact with you respectfully, leading to less resentment and more genuine connection.
This blog is for you if you're navigating the delicate dance of setting boundaries with family members who genuinely don't understand what boundaries are. We'll explore what they are, why they can be so hard, and practical steps to set them gently but firmly.
What Exactly Are Boundaries? (Explaining the Unfamiliar)
Imagine trying to explain a concept that doesn't have a direct translation or isn't part of someone's everyday understanding. That's often the case with boundaries. So, let's break it down simply.
Think of boundaries as invisible lines that define what's acceptable and what's not acceptable in your interactions. They protect your physical, emotional, mental, and even financial space, just like a fence protects your home.
Let's use some simple analogies that might help you (and eventually, your family) grasp the idea:
Your Home Analogy: Imagine your house. You have a front door, maybe a fence, and walls. You wouldn't let just anyone walk in, rearrange your furniture, or take your things without asking, right? You have rules about who enters and how they behave inside. Boundaries are like that for your personal self. They define what you allow into your personal space – your thoughts, feelings, time, and body.
Traffic Laws Analogy: Think about driving. We have traffic laws and lane markers. These rules exist not to restrict us, but to keep everyone safe and traffic flowing smoothly. Without them, there's chaos, accidents, and frustration. Boundaries are like traffic laws for relationships – they create order and safety for everyone involved.
Personal Property Analogy: Just like you own your belongings – your phone, your car, your favorite mug – you also own your time, your energy, your emotions, and your choices. Boundaries help you protect that personal property. They ensure that your internal world and resources aren't taken, invaded, or misused without your consent.
Boundaries aren't just about saying "no"; they're also about saying "yes" to your own well-being. They come in many forms, including:
Physical Boundaries: Your personal space, comfortable levels of touch.
Emotional Boundaries: Not taking on others' feelings as your own, expressing your own emotions without judgment, not being responsible for others' happiness.
Time Boundaries: Managing your schedule, saying "no" to demands that overextend you.
Verbal/Conversational Boundaries: What topics are off-limits, requiring respectful communication.
Material/Financial Boundaries: Lending money, sharing possessions.
Why Family Might Not Understand Boundaries (Empathy is Key)
It's easy to get frustrated when a boundary is repeatedly crossed, but often, it's not malicious intent. Understanding why family members might struggle with boundaries can foster empathy and help you approach the conversation more effectively:
Generational and Cultural Differences: For many Asian American families, concepts like individualism and personal boundaries may not have been emphasized, or they might even be seen as Western concepts that go against collective family harmony. Older generations, in particular, may have grown up in environments where family units were deeply enmeshed, and personal space as a concept was less defined.
Enmeshed Family Systems: Some families operate with very blurry lines, where everyone is deeply involved in everyone else's business. In these systems, a boundary might feel like a sudden, jarring shift, like you're pulling away from the family unit.
Lack of Exposure or Education: They might genuinely never have learned about healthy boundaries as a concept. It's simply not something that was discussed or modeled.
Fear of Rejection or Loss: A common underlying fear is that setting boundaries means you're distancing yourself, rejecting their love, or diminishing the bond. This fear can manifest as resistance or even guilt-tripping.
Their Own Unmet Needs: Sometimes, boundary crossing stems from a family member's own insecurities, anxieties, or unmet needs (e.g., a need for control, connection, or validation) that they're unconsciously trying to fulfill through you.
It's a Change: Humans, and especially family systems, often resist change, even positive ones. Introducing boundaries disrupts an established dynamic, and resistance is a natural reaction.
Recognizing these underlying reasons doesn't excuse boundary crossing, but it helps you approach the situation with more understanding and less anger.
Practical Steps for Setting Boundaries When They Don't Get It
This is where the rubber meets the road. Setting boundaries requires clarity, consistency, and kindness (where possible).
1. Be as clear and specific as possible.
Vague statements are easily ignored or misinterpreted. Be crystal clear about what you need.
Vague: "I need more space."
Specific: "I need an hour of quiet time after work to decompress before I can join for dinner. Please don't interrupt me during that time."
Vague: "Don't criticize me."
Specific: "When you comment on my weight/choices, I feel hurt and disrespected. If that happens, I will need to end our conversation."
2. Use "I" Statements (Non-Blaming Language)
Focus on your feelings and needs, not on what they're doing wrong. This reduces defensiveness.
Instead of: "You always make me feel guilty with your calls."
Try: "I feel overwhelmed when I get multiple calls while I'm at work, and I need to focus. I can call you back after 5 PM."
3. Keep It Simple and Concise
Avoid over-explaining, justifying, or getting into lengthy debates. A simple, firm statement is more effective.
"No" can be a complete sentence, though you might choose to add a kind but firm "no, thank you" or "that won't work for me."
Example: "I appreciate the offer, but I won't be able to lend money at this time." (No need to explain your finances.)
4. Be Prepared for Pushback (and How to Handle It)
Initial resistance is common. Your family might test the boundary, react with confusion, or even try guilt trips.
Initial Resistance/Confusion: "What do you mean? We're family! We don't have 'boundaries'!"
Response: "Yes, and because we're family, I want our relationship to be as healthy and respectful as possible. This helps me feel [more relaxed/respected/present] when we're together."
Guilt Trips: "After all I've done for you, you can't even...?"
Response: "I deeply appreciate everything you've done for me. This boundary is about my needs now, and it doesn't diminish my love or gratitude for you. It actually helps me show up better for you."
Ignoring the Boundary: They try to cross it again.
Response: Gently but firmly remind them: "Remember we talked about this? I need to stick to [the boundary, e.g., 'our agreement about calling before visiting']." Or, take action: "I need to go now. I'll talk to you later."
5. Consistency is Crucial (The "Walk the Talk" Phase)
Setting a boundary once isn't enough; you have to consistently enforce it. If you give in even occasionally, you teach them the boundary isn't firm, and they'll keep pushing. This is often the hardest part, but also the most vital.
6. Offer Alternatives (If Appropriate and Desired)
Sometimes, offering an alternative can soften the boundary and show you're still open to connection, just on your terms.
"I can't come over unannounced, but I'd love to schedule a visit next Tuesday."
"I can't lend money, but I can help you research financial resources."
7. Don't Expect Immediate Understanding or Acceptance
This is a learning process for everyone involved. There might be discomfort, sadness, or even anger initially. Your focus should be on your peace and well-being, not their immediate approval or full understanding. Over time, consistent boundaries can lead to greater respect.
8. Prioritize Your Well-being
Remember, setting boundaries is an act of self-care. It's about protecting your energy, time, and emotional health. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and at peace in all your relationships, especially with your family.
The Long-Term Benefits
Setting boundaries, particularly with family who may not grasp the concept, is a courageous act. It's a journey, not a destination, and there will be moments of discomfort. But by doing so, you're not pushing your family away; you're actually creating the conditions for stronger, healthier, and more respectful relationships built on mutual understanding.
You'll likely experience increased peace, reduced resentment, and the capacity for more genuine, fulfilling connections. Your well-being matters, and establishing these necessary lines is a powerful step towards a more balanced and harmonious life.
Ready to Work Towards More Fulfilling Family Relationships?
At Center for Asian American Trauma, we offer individual & family therapy for Asian American individuals who are navigating boundaries, intergenerational trauma, healing. Contact us to start your healing journey.